Me, Today
morning
I was slapped. Sun entered via the top most sunshade of my bedroom and
slapped me on my face. His heat was too much that I need to terminate the
affair that I was having with my dream. If you can get up from your sleep at
that time you plan to, then you can do anything you want – I read somewhere and
realize now. My Living room is also confused as much as I am. The room, even
after being big and having enough couches, I did not have a place to sit. I slowly walked towards the kitchen, to get
some coffee. Decoction was not enough, milk was not available and sugar was
mixed with salt.
I was not sure of the way to proceed and that is when, the calling bell
did what it is supposed to. It was two middle aged women, who were from
“Parents’ mistake” orphanage requesting me to donate for the children. Why
should I donate and why should only I donate? I shouted at them and sent them
off. I know they were upset and I don’t care.
I got deep into the thoughts about my work backlog. I have couple of
more schedules to finish and that is going to take whole of today. How am I
going to bare this load? Challenges teach you a lot once you complete those.
When you are in the middle of executing the challenge, they toil you and the
vision of the learning that you get, is very misty.
Engrossed in thoughts, I entered my bath room, hoping to a have a
peaceful shower. Water was cool and I started to enjoy. Anything you start
should come to an end, and here, the end came so soon that I did not even
realize that I started. It was the noise created by a group of people at my
gate, with flash lights, microphones and cameras. My security was trying to do
his job, but the crowd was trying to do theirs’, i.e. to get into my house. I
called the security and asked them to let the crowd in. Whatever condition you
are in, being a public entertainer, you better be in the good books of press
and media.
I opened the door and let them in. They were congratulating me and
clicking me continuously. Flashes were too harsh for my eyes, that still had
the hangover of my sleep. I was told that I got the most prestigious
“Sauce-car” award in the best actress category for my performance in the
previous film. I thanked them for the news and made sure they leave soon. I
could very easily notice that they were not happy about my reaction and they
were surprised that I am not that as much happy as they expected me to be.
As I was getting ready, she came running. I just stared at her and
asked her to get lost once for all. She had tears in her eyes and she was
apologizing, which I did not want to hear. At last, I told her to accompany me
and take my make-up kit with a warning that the next instance of similar
occurrence will be the last instance.
Car carried both of
us towards the shooting spot.
----
Me, fifteen days ago
I want to come back. I know that and my conscious is very clear about
that fact. Conscious never lies. But unfortunately conscious’ s voice and hence
the truth are very feeble to hear. How loud should I shout to make others aware
of this fact.
By the way, Who am I?
Am I just the conscious of the body lying here? Or am I the complete ME?
Is my life decided by the pulse and the heartbeat or the state of the
conscious?
Can someone be half-alive? Isn’t liveliness a state and isn’t the
transition discrete? Then what does it mean to say that I am in Coma.
What is the language that I need to speak, so that I can convey what I
want to? I have a lot of work.
How did I land up here? What happened to me? Why am I not able to
regain all what I was thinking?
I heard the conversation between doctor and a police man. They were in
anxiety because of me and my health status. More than these, what troubles
them, and of course me is that, the un-awareness of why am I here and who am I?
They were also worried that if this state continues who is going to
take care of the expenses for my treatment.
I have to come back and tell them not to worry about that as I am
supposed to be rich.
Communication is so under-developed that even a conscious of a man who
is in coma cannot interact with outsiders.
----
Me, A month ago
I was kissed. Any morning awakening with a kiss is a bliss. When I
opened my eyes slowly, I could see Sun rays, stretched in my room, as a yellow
carpet, to welcome me from my dreams to the real life. Is this a dream, I was thinking, and this
time, reality was more exciting than the affair that I had with my dream.
Jumped off my bed, I walked towards my living room. Couches were waiting to
have me in their lap and one of them was lucky enough. Marriage of black
decoction and white milk resulted in a sweet nice coffee. I completed my coffee
and had a refreshing bath. Dressed up myself with my favorite dress, I was
looking at the schedule for the day, which is supposed to start in another half
an hour.
My mental map was clear about my day and I was charged up face the
same. That is the time, I heard the calling bell buzz. It was two middle aged
women, who were from “God’s gift” orphanage requesting me to donate for the
children. I felt so bad for the small kids. I gave them a cheque filled with
hefty amount and asked them to contact me any time, whenever they are in need
of any type of assistance.
The feel that you are able to help others gives you a sense of
achievement. How many people in the world are provided with the mentality to
help, facility to help and the chance to help. I felt I was blessed. Day looked
brighter for me and I am ready to face the day with full of involvement. Any work you do with involvement fetches you
more than what you deserve. My walk with this thought let me to the hall at the
lower basement.
Cameras winked at me and I was happy to caste a pose. I settled the
crowd and took the center seat. Press and media give me that encouragement to
push myself more and half of what I am is because of them. I told about my new
movie and the challenging role that I have to do in that movie. There were lots
of questions about my role, the movie, the producer, co-stars etc... At the
end, I also told that I will have my next meet once I complete the movie as I
will be completely engrossed in the movie and the movie demands me not to meet
any one externally. For the last statement, I got questions about why was that
restriction, was it from the director or from the production unit. I smiled and
asked them to enjoy the nourishment and wish me good luck for the new venture.
As I was getting ready, she came running. I just asked her to relax.
She apologized for being late. I consoled her and told her not to feel bad. She
picked up my make-up kit and was ready promptly. I appreciated her sincerity
and we were ready
Car carried both of
us towards the shooting spot.
----
Me, A month ago
I am excited. This is my first day here, waiting to meet more new
friends. Any change, is pleasant. Change from your abode, upgradation from
school to college, change from boy to man and many more. Regular formalities
completed and I finished my first class in college. It was a different
experience -- the teachers, class room, teaching techniques, laboratories, food
stalls everything was different. Day was getting over and it was the time, that
I was anxious about – night stay in the hostel room.
We were six in a room and I got a cot that is in the corner. After
regular introduction, I pretended to engross into the book. Initially my room
mates ignored me, but as their discussion was heating up, I was pulled in. I
tried not to be a part of it, but it is a difficult to continue the same way. I
participated in the discussion, with my facial expressions and gestures. Slowly
these got converted into one word answers, followed by a line long statement
and a complete conversation.
As long as the discussion was about sports, national interest, income
tax and black money, I was active into it. When the topics got personal, I once
again tried to avoid. But once you are neck deep into it, unless you are good
swimmer, you can’t escape from getting trapped into it. Unfortunately, I was
not good.
I smiled, had an angry face, turned my focus elsewhere, yawned,
pretended to get into sleep, expressed dis-interest and nothing helped me. For
most of the discussions, I was silent and did not have an answer. It was
nearing mid-night and talk stopped slowly and they were onto their dream world.
I was angry about him and her. I am not sure whether I can find him,
but I need to talk to her. I need to spend days here and this cannot go on for
long. Plan for that weekend was finalized.
Packed with two pair of dress, I headed towards her city. The bus break-down
was not a good sign, but I was least bothered. It was midnight, when I got down
the bus stand. I was a little confused. Would I have chosen to come the next
day morning? Now without proper commute, how am I going to reach her.
Occupied with the thought and fear, I slowly walked out of the bus
stand and entered a lonely broad road. I just walked without any purpose, stood
for some time and began to walk. Should I do this or sit / rest at some place
until sun comes back. Did not decide, but still walked.
It was a signal and I crossed in a direction that my leg took me.
As I could see, it was a red Audi and was lacking control. Why are
people driving so raaaaaaa…………………….
…………………………………………………….
…………………………………………………….
----
Me, Now
“I am ashamed. I am
ashamed to be myself. I am ashamed of what I am doing.
I was, and am deeply involved in all my projects and never thought that
the involvement can cause such a devastation. My perception was that, without a
feel of what I have to do, I should not take up any project.
Where do you draw the line? I never intended to draw a line, and let
both the life mix with one another.
The strain I experience is humongous. I am extremely unorganized, rude
and uncourteous because of the current project.
This reached a peak, a month ago.
I denied a project offer that I got from him who introduced me here. He
was upset and even I was. But I could not correlate myself to the role and
hence I could not help that.
And the same day, it happened.
On the road, I saw someone upside down. I could see blood oozing and her
mother was crying aloud without knowing what to do. I called up Ambulance. They
came and as they took her, I could get to see the mother’s pain and her trauma.
All through the way home, I could not collect myself back.
I cried, cried and cried.”
I cried. The people around tried to come and console. I signaled them
to stop and continued,
“But then, after my
eyes dried up, I gathered back, called my director guru and accepted to do the
role of a mother who lost her daughter.”
I could not control my emotions and cried loud.
“Cut… Excellent shot – a long shot that is done in a single take – very
rarely seen in recent days”. I heard that from the director. Everyone
congratulated and said that I might get my second award for this role.
Who can say when I can come out of the involvement.
Who will know that I was great in this scene because of the real
experience that I had. Why should I have to explicitly say that, in real, the
casualty was a HE. How will I convey that I was the one who hit him, as I was
high on that day night. When am I going to say that, in real, I was the mother
also. Will he come back and say that he is my illegitimate child. Whom will I
say that I accepted the offer because of this incident and I got the award for my
involved acting in the movie.
Yes, I am an actress and I act less.
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